Log 1

I believe we may be onto something here, if only a Darwin award for the lousiest death in history. Then again, I'm just a dog, what do I know?

Anyway, look at me all strapped up head to toe inside a glorified tin can called EMTV (that’s short for Earth-Moon Transit Vehicle) headed straight to - yep, you got it - the Moon! You’d think humans got bored of sending dogs to space way back in the 60s (then again, if those Soviet mutts didn’t start to run short like they did, they’d probably still be gloriously blasted into orbit to this day.) And here we are, almost a century later: Earth’s higher primates had finally built that ‘greatest step in history!’ of an ugly Lunar base. You’d think now of all times dogs would finally stop being space payload... 

Uh-huh.

Behold Lunar Mission Pooch-1 - a billion dollar money-pit, all in the name of putting a dog on that stinky Moon! As if this whole gig wasn’t screwed enough with just me on board, they also had to throw in a couple of Artificial Space Sojourners; representing the pinnacle of artificial intelligence and robotics since 2027! One heck of an abbreviation, too! Back in the day, these robots used to walk a fine line between being fancy, million-dollar baubles on manned space missions and causing premature aging in their human fellow astronauts whenever they’d accidentally hit this wrong button or throw that wrong switch. This time though, the folks down on Earth deemed real astronauts were too much of a luxury for just another lunar mission, much less the one that’s ‘dog-manned.” Now I’m riding this thing in the company of these creepy gizmos.

About a half hour after we left the Earth’s orbit and headed for the Moon, both robots went totally cuckoo - surprised? Normally, Mission Control would have to scrub the mission due to ‘technical issues.’ However, at this point it’s virtually impossible. Not until we rendezvous with the Moon can we spin this thing around and shoot back for the Earth -  and that’s three days down the road!

So, here I am, being ‘piloted’ to the Moon by a Mission Pilot that’s glitched so bad, it doesn’t even seem to be online anymore! The other weirdo - Mission Commander - got itself loose and is now floating all over the place and spewing all sorts of creepy robotic gibberish. I hadn’t peed on a tree in weeks and even if we survive this, I doubt they’d have any trees on the Moon anyway.

This mission sucks.